I'm in the dark waiting for the Hogfather. Me. A believer in Natural Philosophy. I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head. I shouldn't be doing this.

daffyd

Last night, I happened to see part of Samuel L. Jackson's appearance on the Tonight Show, where he was talking about the fact that, with the $300 million from The Incredibles, he finally passed Harrison Ford as the all-time box-office champ at $3.7 billion. He figures that with the Star Wars and xXx sequels this summer, he'll leave Harrison in the dust.

He also talked about how he does it with volume - he doesn't get $20M a movie like some actors, so he makes a lot of them. So, of course, I turn on the Ken Burns special on Jack Johnson this morning, and guess who is doing the voice of Jack Johnson? :)

Oh, and people keep complaining about SLJ spoiling the end of Episode 3. Um, despite the fact that George Lucas doesn't seem to care at all about actual continuity, was there any doubt at all about how the movie would end? We've already seen Episodes 4-6, remember? We know what happens. Obi-Wan can't be the only Jedi left if Episode 3 ends with a production number of all the Jedis doing a can-can as Vader sings selections from Gilbert and Sullivan. It doesn't work that way.

Does that mean there's nothing of interest about Episode 3? Of course not. There's the excitement of finding out if Hayden Christensen's acting lessons helped or if Natalie Portman will break out a second facial expression, the drama over if George let someone else write the romantic dialogue this time, and, of course, the suspense about whether midochlorians are ever mentioned again.

Come to think of it, maybe George should let someone else write all the dialogue.

I know! George could team up with Peter Jackson! It would be great!

We could be at the climactic scene - the Jedis are crumbling before the massive Clone Armies.

Hayden: They were all mean to me! They took away my cookies and made me sit in the corner and now I'm going to have a temper tantrum and watch them all die!

Battle scene that lasts 47 minutes

Natalie: You. Can. Not. Let. Them. Die. You. Must. Help. Them.

Sweeping shot of the New Zealand wilderness that lasts 3.4 hours

Hayden: I won't! I won't! They picked on me! I'm going to hold my breath until they come and say they were sorry!

Shot of Hayden's angst-filled (well, supposedly) face that thanks to the wonders of ILM is quickly turning shades of blue and, for some reason, scarring very badly.

Jar Jar: Hey, mon, don't be blue! Let's have us some fine weed.

Shot of Hayden, Natalie and Jar Jar smoking up. Jar Jar keeps checking out Hayden's butt and mumbling something about hobbits and baths.

Hayden: Princess, I wish I could take you and our children back to my home on a desert planet where I will never think to look for Obi-Wan. Then I could show you that my love for you is as wide as the mouth of a giant sandworm that will someday nearly eat our son after he makes out with our daughter after he finds Obi-Wan in the same canyon where I used to race my speeder but where I will never think to look for him.

Six-hour shot of Samuel L. Jackson and his colorful Jedi band marching up a snowy mountain.

Natalie: I must save them! *strips down to bikini and races off into the snow*

Eight-hour battle scene

Samuel: Eat glowing tube, honkie ba.... AAAAGH! *dies, but not before adding another $500M to his total*

THE END